Taking a Road Trip? Try Mars!

Ever wonder what it's like to be a trucker during the summer, when the entire planet is on vacation?

No?

Oh. Well then don't go here to the Douglas Budget and read my column this week. 

Why don't you just kick sand in my face while you're at it??

If you do go there to read my column (do it) do not be alarmed at the title; I am not a child molester. 

They don't use the titles I give them, in this case Holiday Road--the song from National Lampoon's Vacation. Did you know it was written and sung by Lindsey Buckingham, from Fleetwood Mac?

Anyway, you can go see for yourself what they called it, I just can't bring myself to type it.

Here is a gratuitous moose for your viewing pleasure:

Black River Falls, WI

Got Goat-Heads?

Did you ever have a burning desire to know what the drought tolerance of concrete is or what kinds of crops grow in New Jersey? (Hint: One's a trick question.)

Well, you can find out if you go here and read my award winning in my own mind column in the Douglas Budget, my hometown newspaper.

Please?

In it, I mention goat-heads, but I'm not talking about a chupacabra snack, I'm talking about these:

We have them in Wyoming and I've seen them in the southwest and California.

Do you have them where you live?

You might not see them on the ground at first glance but you'll know it if you ride a bicycle through them because they will poke a hole in your tire. Jas has a sixth sense about them, when she gets near them she just comes to a dead stop and refuses to budge; I don't blame her.

They're very hard, like manly sandspurs, which is kind of appropriate since they are used in herbal supplements as a man-aid, if you know what I mean. *wink, wink*

Happy Friday!

A Corvette, a Dane, and a Tumbleweed Walk into a Bar....

I just had 16 ounces of the strongest iced coffee known to man so I feel like this post may be the best thing ever or my heart will explode.

It could go either way really.

First let me show you this:

Now, go here to read my column in this week's Douglas Budget and you will have a visual to go along with the red spikey thing of which I speak.

I suppose it is possible that the people who designed the Corvette Museum in Bowling Green, Kentucky were on a caffeine high also. Probably to make up for their lack of eyeballs.

But you will not only read about strange Kentucky buildings, you will also find out that on a Danish smorgasbord even the vegetables will give you a heart-attack and you'll discover how exciting windmills can be. Not really.

And lastly, just in case you are the type of reader who only skims the column instead of poring over every word and committing them to memory, possibly in tattoo form, I want you to know this: I won.

Enter the Dragon: Algebra

My column is up at the Douglas Budget and you should go there now and read it because in it you will find out:

1. just how small my brain is

and

2. why rules are good *and* bad

and

9. that math is the key to everything, even cooties.

Please? 

Mr. Tire (Mr. Peanut's 3rd cousin) really wants you to.

It's kind of embarrassing to admit how much a math class (that I get no credit for whatsoever and doesn't really matter if I pass or not) scared me. I'm no genius for sure but in general I don't go around feeling like a complete and utter moron. Enter Algebra and her evil minions Word Problems and I turn into a dimwitted dingbat.

It scared me but I took the class anyway because if I go back to school I'll probably need to remember how to get x and y on a train going different directions and then figure out how fast they'll get to Uranus (hehehe) and more importantly, math ain't the boss of me.

And you know what? After six weeks of, "oh, this isn't so bad, I get it" to "I am the stupidest person that ever lived and I should jump off the nearest bridge because I will never pass this class and I'll have to be a hobo" and every feeling in between, I passed. 

I passed.

I'm like the Bruce Lee of math now. Until the next class, that is.

How to be Good at Conversation and Sandwich Making

These guys are talking to themselves
while talking to each other
but they don't have eyeballs.
So it all makes sense.

Have you ever had a conversation with yourself, but with someone else at the same time and not at all on purpose?

Me too!

My column in today's Douglas Budget is all about how I am *not* having a stroke or a mental breakdown. Yet.

You should go there and read it and like it and hold it and touch it and squeeze it and be its best friend forever and call it George.

Or you know. Just read it.

Also? When not having a mental breakdown or a stroke, I make sandwiches that look like mice.

Super Genius on a Segway

In this week's Douglas Budget my column is all about the super genius idea I have for the future of my town. Go here and read all about it and feel free to use it for your town too. Just remember to give me credit for the idea. And lots of money.

Because y'all are so special to me (and my editor at the newspaper won't let me do it there), I am sharing 50 seconds of video of the inspiring event.

I apologize for the shaky camera*, but as I had only learned how to ride the Segway five minutes before and was on a busy public street, why wouldn't try to ride the thing with one hand while filming?

My cocky attitude goes away at about the 45 second point when I ride over a bump the size of the Great Wall of China and almost have a heart-attack.

* Or am I just super cool? Because we recently saw The Hunger Games and the first twenty minutes of that movie were so shaky I felt the need for Dramamine.

The Mild Winter, Ticks in Minnesota, and Why New Jersey is Wrong. Again.

At this very moment I am at a hidden secret (because that's how you hide) location, from which I am posting my latest Douglas Budget column.

This is not the hidden secret location,
so don't try to triangulate it with
Google Earth.

You should go there and read it in case the secret hidden location I am located in, is your closet.

You really don't want me hiding in your closet. Because I am scary.

Unless you want it rearranged.

Because I am helpful.

This bull is in Missouri, not the
 hidden secret location.
I call him Ice Cube
because of his scowl.

Because of the hidey-ness circumstance, I have no facts. Except for this:

Honey bees in New Jersey are not doing well because of the mild winter.

Honey bees in Iowa are doing well because of the mild winter.

Way to go New Jersey. Way. to. go.

She's a Super Freak! Super Freak! She's Super Freaky, Oww!

It's Wednesday already and that means you should check out my column in the Douglas Budget wherein I get called an organizational freak in the title.

I call myself that, in the column, but to have it in such bold font is a tad disturbing.

It's true, though.
So, no harm no foul right?

Super Freak

***

No random facts today, only this:

Last night I was walking Jasmine in a field next to a country road in Missouri. It was dark (because that's how night works) and we were a good 20 feet away from the road. A pick-up truck went by and the driver yelled out what sounded like lesbian. That's it. Lesbian!

And today I came back to the truck where Himself was fueling it, from another walk with Jasmine, and the guy fueling next to us yelled over to Himself: "Which one minds better? The dog or your old lady? Har har har!"

I'm not offended by any of it, really. I don't like being yelled at, no matter what I'm being called. But lesbian is so random, that it's funny.

They say weird things happen in 3's.

So today I am a freakish old lady organizational lesbian.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

The Beginning of the End

Hey! It's Thursday and you know what that means!

Hint: It means it's the day after Wednesday (when the Douglas Budget comes out) and you can go there and read my column that I forgot to link to yesterday.

In this week's column you will find a super secret big announcement that will affect each and every one of you.

Well, affect may be not be the right word. But I'm pretty sure it's not effect. Although it will have an effect on you because you will be affected by it. Or not. I will be affected by the effects of this affectation but most likely you will just go about your daily life without any effects whatsoever.

Possibly maybe.

*Björk interlude*

"Who knows what's going to happen? Lottery or car crash Or you'll join a cult."

Anyway, you should go there and read it and see what all the fuss* is about. Also I forgot how much I love Björk's voice. And she has that voice live and not just in the studio and my mind kind of explodes with the magicfulness** of it all.


*there is no fuss
**magicfulness is not a word, but I like it and spellcheck suggested McGovern which is not right at all.

If You're Pesky and You Know it Clap Your Hands!

Tooting my own horn, just like this guy.

Today is Wednesday and that means you can read my column at the Douglas Budget. (Hint: I'm clapping my hands right now.)

Also, it's March 14 which is Pi (π) Day and if you want a fun way involving ugly cakes to learn the first 7 digits* of the ratio of circumference to diameter for a circle then you should have clicked several words ago.

But not before you go read my column and find out just how comforting UFO music can be.

A behind the scenes look of a Tumbleweed at work.
I look up facts so you don't have to.
You're welcome.

* Since Pi is an irrational and transcendental number it can be calculated past the decimal into the trillions and you don't have that kind of time to memorize it so just stick with seven.

Also, I have been irrational on many occasions, so me and Pi have something in common. (Pi and I?)

New Jersey Devils

View off of Goethals Bridge
between New Jersey and Staten Island

My column is up at the Douglas Budget and you really should read it because if you don't you might one day accidentally go to New Jersey and then you'll be sorry.

Never go to New Jersey on purpose is what I'm saying.

I do feel the teeniest bit bad that I malign that state so much. I'm sure it has its good points, somewhere deep, deep down.

Nothing is all bad, right?

Except for English peas. Those suck no matter what you do to them.

So go here and read it and maybe "like" it if you're on Facebook. If you're feeling froggy, send me some money; small, unmarked bills are preferable. No actual frogs please.

*****

These pictures were taken near Elizabeth, New Jersey, an industrial area and home to Newark-Elizabeth airport, where 32 million passengers came through last year and then got out as fast as they could. Presumably.

 Ok, New Jersey, you have a nice sky. There. I said something nice.

Hovercrafts and Hoodoo

My latest column is up at the Douglas Budget and you should go there right now and read it because you need to know about Nebraska's fear of alien abduction.

Also, technology is pretty awesome.

Ft McHenry tunnel entrance.

The Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel

The Ft McHenry tunnel is the one we went through but I couldn't find a picture as dramatic as the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel one.

Apropos of nothing, today I was (half) listening to NPR's Science Friday and heard the term bone eating snot flower worm and if that is not the best name for a zombie-like life form than my name is mud.

And not only is that a great name, the bone eating snot flower worm has its own Facebook page which kinda proves that technology is awesome.

Road Food a Weird Dog and a Fact

My Douglas on the Road column is up at the Douglas Budget website and it's all about lumpy food, bathroom cooties, and hand harvested yak milk.

You're welcome.

Also, just so you have something to look at while you're here:

*action photo*
This is Jasmine mid-lick.
Someone may or may not
have put whipped cream
on her nose.

The aftereffects of eating whipped cream.
It gets a dog high, apparently.

Just in case you don't read my column (why aren't you reading my column?) here is the fact: rice is not a vegetable.

Read All About It! A new column and a random fact.

Today's column in the Douglas Budget has been posted to the website and you can read all about it here.

It's all about hurricane speed winds in a state that has nothing to blow down and why I like to live there despite that.

This picture has nothing to do with wind or Wyoming but I love the light.

We were driving along in rural northern Nevada before sunset and air just turned all glow-y and golden. Kind of like a Doris Day movie without all that virgin-ness.

Random Fact:

Sedona, Arizona has the only McDonald's in the world to have turquoise arches on their building, instead of the ubiquitous golden arches. City officials thought yellow would look tacky near all the natural red rock of the area.

Tumbleweed Resolutions

Have you ever wondered where, in these United States, you can find the darkest night sky? (Presuming you don't count Alaska, that is.)

Well, read all about it here in my latest Douglas Budget column.

Also, it's about New Year's Resolutions. Do you hate telling yourself what to do as much as I do?

I'm giving it a try anyway.

Maybe this will be the year I get off the fence.

Oh, Give Me a Home! Where the Demon Egg-Pods Don't Roam!

Woo hoo, I am on fire!

Hang on let me put that out. Dern sparklers.

I have another in my own mind award winning column in The Douglas Budget this week.

To get you in the mood properly before you read it, sing Home on the Range to yourself, except replace demon egg-pods for the antelope.

Here is pretty picture:

Sunrise in Nevada

*Update*

It is several days later and Himself has just finished reading this post. He was laughing and laughing, which I thought was strange because it wasn't that funny. Then he started saying, over and over, "Here is pretty picture" in a fake Russian accent and told me I should always let him proofread the posts because I get too excited to hit the Publish button and don't catch all the mistakes.

So naturally I had to defend myself and say I did it on purpose because I think a Boris and Natasha accent is sexy and since I am hopeless at learning German I thought I would try something new and less hard. So it is staying as is. But a fake Russian accent is not as easy as it sounds and now I'm in a sticky pickle. The end.

Dirty Laundry-Cow Wrestling

This is not a cow. Or dirty laundry.

Well, I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. Aren't you glad that's over?

Here is my latest column in The Douglas Budget. It has nothing to do with any kind of holidays. It's mainly about how to wrestle a cow-sized amount of dirty laundry out of a small space.

You're welcome.

Douglas on the Road: The Thing Edition

Check out my latest Douglas on the Road column in the best small town newspaper in the free world, The Douglas Budget.  (It's better than the ones in the pay-per-view world too. Probably. I've never been there.)

Find out the secret of The Thing in Dragoon, Arizona and how a grasshopper almost murdered me.

Also, there are spiders.

Tumbleweed in the Tabloids

Douglas, WY
Even the dinosaurs are cowboys.

The cat is out of the bag.  The jig is up.  The chicken has flown the coop. The pearl is in the river.

The secret is out; your humble Tumbleweed has hit the big time✴.

✴ Well, not really big time.  I didn't win the Nobel Peace Prize for Blogging and I haven't written the Great American Novel.  Angelina Jolie is not starring in the movie of my life nor is there a made-for-tv-movie about me in a scandalous affair with Festus, in the works.

Great, now I am depressed.

Anyway.

I am writing a humor column for my local newspaper, The Douglas Budget.  It's a weekly in my hometown of Douglas, Wyoming (population 5,300) and they run my columns about twice a month.  The first one ran at the end of August, but somehow it didn't make it to the online version and I didn't want to say anything here until I could link it, like a *professional* and now it's fixed and did I tell you I was excited???  I am.

See?

The process to get published was long and arduous.  Kind of like Homer's Odyssey but without the cyclops.  *Unfortunately*

About a year ago, I balled up my courage and approached the newspaper to see if they would be interested in me writing a humor column for them.  I won't bore you with the details of how difficult it was for me to build up my nerve to do this; but imagine walking into the grocery store naked and asking the bag-boy to judge your thighs. It felt like that, only scarier.

I went in and asked for the editor, showed him some samples from this blog and a column I had written specifically for the newspaper (never before seen!) and he seemed interested, said he'd look it over, let me know.  Visions of fame and fortune swam before my eyes as I pictured my name in print.  I felt just like Mary Tyler Moore when she flings her hat up in the air.

A few weeks went by and I hadn't heard anything from him.  Nothing happens fast in Wyoming, so I waited.  After a month I sent him an email asking if he was still interested.  He said he was, things were just really busy.  More weeks go by, more follow up from me, etc, etc.  

Finally, I called.

Me: "Look, if you aren't interested or if you think my writing sucks donkey balls, tell me and I'll get off your back, I can handle it. Otherwise, I will just nag you every week with phone calls, emails, and possibly build a shed in your backyard and live in it until you print my columns."

Him: "I'll get to it, I promise.  I'm just busy."

*cricket

Well dear Readers, months went by like this and nothing happened.  I picked up my Mary Tyler Moore hat and gave up.  Who was I kidding? I knew nothing about building sheds.

Fast forward to July.  My nemesis moved out of state and a new editor came to town.  I picked up my Mary Tyler Moore hat and tried again. Surprisingly, instead of a restraining order, I got an offer and now have an occasional column.  

So far, they have printed 3 (three!).  If you can't tell, I'm pretty effing stoked.  And I'm really glad I don't have to build a shed in anyone's backyard; Wyoming is cold in the winter.

Check out the Douglas on the Road tab at the top of the blog to find the link to the columns.  Or click here.  I'm easy.