A Virtual Traffic Jam in a New York Minute (which is an hour and a half)

I have written before about driving a big truck through the Big Apple and what fun that can be and last week was no exception.

Traffic was so bad that it took us an hour and a half to get from Queens to Staten Island, about 11 miles.

In between being freaked out because:

A. For some reason every overpass is marked with a height of 12'9" (we are 13'6"). Even though I know those signs are lying bastards, I duck my head in fear of being decapitated every time.

and

B. The traffic in NYC is very aggressive, almost as bad as New Jersey and people dart, weave and cut in front of us trying to give me a heart attack on purpose. (yes the world revolves around me and it is trying kill me)

I had time to take lots of pictures. And now I will take you on a virtual tour of NYC traffic because I am generous like that. You. Are. Welcome.

Oops. Too much traffic for the
George Washington Bridge.
So we headed south to
the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge.

How come all those buildings
don't sink Manhattan?

Historic Calvary Cemetery.
Aunt Jemima is buried there.

Ugh. Traffic this way too.

A tree grows in Brooklyn.

Huh. I thought Broadway would
be a lot more glittery.
Or at least Neil Patrick Harris-y. 

She said yes.

Example of a 12'9" lie.

One World Trade Center
under construction.

Approaching the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge.
Finally.

It was the Verrazano Bridge that played a
prominent role in Saturday Night Fever.
Trivial Pursuit got it wrong.

View from the top of the bridge.

Ft. Wadsworth, one of America's oldest
military forts.
Also homebase to G.I. Joe.

Ahh, the final NYC bridge for us,
the Goethals.
Our trailer is nano inches from the railing.
That sucker is narrow.

Yay! We made it out of New York.
Crap. Now we're in New Jersey.

Got Goat-Heads?

Did you ever have a burning desire to know what the drought tolerance of concrete is or what kinds of crops grow in New Jersey? (Hint: One's a trick question.)

Well, you can find out if you go here and read my award winning in my own mind column in the Douglas Budget, my hometown newspaper.

Please?

In it, I mention goat-heads, but I'm not talking about a chupacabra snack, I'm talking about these:

We have them in Wyoming and I've seen them in the southwest and California.

Do you have them where you live?

You might not see them on the ground at first glance but you'll know it if you ride a bicycle through them because they will poke a hole in your tire. Jas has a sixth sense about them, when she gets near them she just comes to a dead stop and refuses to budge; I don't blame her.

They're very hard, like manly sandspurs, which is kind of appropriate since they are used in herbal supplements as a man-aid, if you know what I mean. *wink, wink*

Happy Friday!

The Maine Event

We finally* made it to Maine where we delivered beer in Oakland.

Did you know that Oakland, Maine used to be the ax and scythe capital of New England?? Sadly, we were about 150 years too late to witness the great scythe and ax frenzy.

While we were getting unloaded I took Jas for a walk on a misty country road that looked like it was right out of a Stephen King novel, but without any murderous dogs, cars, or prom queens.

This railroad track reminded me of one of my favorite movies ever, Stand By Me (another story based on a Stephen King book) and made me want to have an adventure while looking for a dead body with my weirdo pals in the 1950's.

If you haven't seen Stand By Me, what is wrong with you??, download it or rent it now. The movie is funny, sweet, sad, perfectly cast, and well done. Read this if you're a fan, because Wil Wheaton is awesome and not just for his collating skills. 

Later, we found a real restaurant (not a truck stop or a chain) in Farmington that had a parking lot big enough for our truck and we finally got a taste of Maine's famous lobster roll.

It was very simple and at first I thought; meh, kinda bland. But evey bite got better, more lobstery and buttery and toasty bun-y and I didn't want it to end even though halfway through I was full. But like a champ, I kept going because it was that good.

I could eat about 11 more right now.


Random New England Facts


✔ There are more Dunkin Donuts™ per square mile in New England than anywhere else in the world. (I made that fact up but that doesn't mean it isn't true.)

✔ New England uses a stupid, random numbering system on their highway exits so that it's impossible to determine distances.

For example, let's say you're in a normal state and all of a sudden the urge hits you (to pee, poop, have a cheeseburger, whatever). You look on the side of the road for the mile marker to find your location. You then look in the atlas or truck stop guide for that state and highway and take note of the needed exit number.

 The exit numbers and mile markers correlate and everyone is happy.

✔ In Maine there are signs every few miles alerting you to the fact that moose could be crossing the road at any moment, so be careful. I'm sure Maine has other wildlife besides moose but they don't want you to know about them. It could be because of this:

The baby bears in Maine have freakishly huge heads.

That is all.

* The load that brought us to Maine on Tuesday started in Colorado last Friday. It was 2,143 miles. It's fairly unusual for us to get a load with that many miles. More typical, are loads of 500-700 miles that deliver in a day or two. It was a nice long stretch and change of pace to do 13 states in 5 days and this is the first time on this blog that I posted in (almost) real time. You likee?

A Big Hole, Magic Beans, and Free Showers

As we continue our quest from Colorado to Maine, we knocked out a couple more states yesterday: Illinois, Indiana and almost Ohio.

Three facts for three states:


Illinois


Illinois has one of the largest limestone quarries in the world and we have driven over it eleventy-million times. It's just south of Chicago and you can see right down into its gaping maw from I-80.

1.5 miles long
.5 miles wide
400 feet deep

Capacity for water overflow:
3.1 billion gallons

The ginormous hole is all part of project Deep Tunnel, a Chicago Public Works undertaking that started in 1975 and will be completed in 2029. It's supposed to keep sewage and cooties out of Lake Michigan and local waterways, but it's not going so well. The quarry is designed to become an overflow reservoir during flooding and storm surges.


Indiana

Indiana is owned by Spain and Australia. Ok, not the whole state, just the east-west highway in the northern part.

In 2005, Governor Mitch Daniels decided to grant a 75 year lease of I-80/90 to a private Spanish/Australian consortium for a handful of magic beans known as $3.8 billion.

It costs $36.20 for big trucks like ours to travel the 157 (one way) miles through Indiana, double what it was before privatization. For that kind of money I think Antonio Banderas* and/or Crocodile Dundee should be manning the toll booths.

Ohio

I have two tips for you if you ever find yourself on the Ohio Turnpike.

#1 When ordering fast food from one of the vendors in the Turnpike Travel Plaza, answer "for here" to the question, "for here or to go?" because it is cheaper.

Tax rate for "to go" orders: 7.5%

Tax rate for "for here" orders: 2.5%

#2 You can get a free shower at the Ohio Turnpike Travel Plazas. No other state that we know of has showers on their toll roads free or not. I heart you Ohio! (squinty eye to Indiana)

Also, free state maps from rest areas
make excellent step-out mats
to keep you off of cootie filled public shower floors.

You're welcome.

*Preferably in character as Puss in Boots.

Oversharing in the Midwest

Yesterday we traveled across the fascinating states of Nebraska and Iowa. Oh the corn fields sure are...corny this time of year. That's a lie, really. They just look green, you can't see the corn yet.

As boring as 1,000 miles of cornfields can be, it was a pretty drive because it had my favorite kind of sky all day: stormy-blue and cloudy, a great contrast to all those dark green corn stalks.

Along with the good sky, Nebraska also has a yummy $5 coffee shack that is truck accessible.

It seems that independent $5 coffee shacks are few and far between in the east, but they are everywhere from Nebraska west. In our little town of 5,000 people we have two drive-up places plus one in the hospital, and one in a book store.

Later in the day we had the excitement of getting the steer tires rotated in Walcott, Iowa: The home of the World's Largest Truck Stop. I know, right? The fun never stops.

Yeah, it's as exciting as it looks, which is not at all, but do you know what they do have at the World's Largest Truck Stop? Travel John disposable urinals.

They're marketed to men and women, but let's face it, men can pee anywhere without much hassle and the plastic top is made just for the ladies. These are nice to have as a backup for those #1 emergencies, because sometimes you gotta go when there's nowhere to go.

Since you're probably already cringing at the fact that I have overshared bodily function information, I might as well show you our other emergency set-up:

A fold-up potty chair, tall kitchen garbage bags, and kitty litter. This little set-up is worth its weight in gold and it has saved us more times than I can count. It's a life saver when it comes to big jobs (as my FIL says) and also for #1. I use it every morning; there's no way I would make it across the parking lot otherwise.

Himself uses a bottle, which he discreetly disposes in the truck stop toilet, but that just doesn't work for the female body. And that's all I have to say about that.

It's less complicated for Jas.

Anyway! How about those Mets?! I hear they are gonna win the Superbowl this year for sure!!

Willlie Nelson, Wildfires, and Work at Home

On the road again. ♪♪ Doot doot dood-a-doot ♪♪, on the road again.

We're just like Willie Nelson, minus the marijuana and the tax bill. We pay our taxes, Willie Nelson! Because we are patriots Willie Nelson. And also scared of the IRS.

We had some time off at home (with our own bathroom!!) and to give you an idea of how we spent it, I will give you two lists and you try to guess who did what. Ready?

One of us did these things:

Pressure-washed the roof
Installed a roof vent
Tore off the roof
Replaced the roof
Installed gutters on the roof
Rebuilt the space shuttle
Performed maintenance on everything thing we own that has an engine
Networked every business in town to find employment



One of us did these things:

Exploded several small cakes in the oven
Painted a door
Gave Liberace Rabbit a make-over
Made a space helmet for Chuck Yeager Monkey
Avoided human contact at every possible turn

Yes, Himself is the master of all things.

In my defense, I did look as busy as Himself did. I just didn't accomplish as much.

But surely you will agree that Liberace Rabbit was looking a bit pasty and the dye-job was much needed.

Also, it was just silly not to make a space helmet out of Chuck Yeager Monkey's birth pod.

***

In other news, the Rocky Mountains have disappeared from view in Ft. Collins, Colorado just north of Denver.

Facing west off of I-25. A wall of smoke
instead of the Rockies.

I didn't fiddle with the colors at all on this picture; the smoke was so thick that it filtered the sun and turned everything a weird, dull yellow and totally obliterated the mountains. It's going to be a brutal summer for firefighters in the west.

So we are escaping and heading east to Maine.

View from our new roof
of our escape transport, Mr.Big.