Friday, October 14, 2011

Pining for a Private Privy

Since we began trucking, do you know what my idea of absolute luxury is?

My own bathroom.  All to myself.  Alone.  By myself.

My bathroom at home is the ultimate.  I can walk from the bedroom to the bathroom without getting dressed, combing my hair, or talking to anyone. If there are any cooties in there, they belong to me or Himself and therefore are adorable and harmless.  I don't have to hold it for so long that I qualify for the Guinness Book of World Records for bladder and/or colon control. 

Did I mention I like to be by myself in there?

The next best thing is when we're in a truck stop or rest area where there are more stalls than people and the bathroom is the size of a football field. Although more times than not, even when I pick a stall all the way at the back, in a completely empty room and there are 373 empty stalls to choose from, some sweaty, unwashed woman will pick the stall next to mine and start talking or making heaving lifting noises.

The kind of bathroom that sounds good in theory but sucks in reality is the one-holer.  You know, the kind where you lock the door to the room and get it all to yourself?  This kind of bathroom is usually in the busiest of places, with lines of people waiting for you to finish and knocking on the door every few seconds causing your bowels to turn to concrete and leaving you unable to perform.

You know what is really fun though?  Here's what happened last week.

We are driving in the middle of nowhere in Nebraska and it hits; I gotta go.  Big time.  The next truck stop is 10 miles away, I do the kind of breathing they teach pregnant women.  Panting, the urgency subsides and I think I can make it.  

We pull into the truck stop and I see, right there by the front doors my nemesis: a porta-potty.  I think I’d rather poop out on the open prairie than go inside a cramped, stinky cootie infested porta-potty.  Plus?  It's right next to the front door so that the entire WORLD would walk by as I’m in there taking care of business.  I don't think so.

We get back in the truck and drive to the next truck stop about a mile away.  Himself drops me off in the parking lot and I run inside, bowels cramping and twisting, only to find that the ONE bathroom in the store has a handwritten sign one it that says "Knock first, the door doesn’t lock!!"  The door.  Does.  Not.  Lock.  

What fresh hell is this?
I run out of the store and back to the truck, just as Himself is backing in to park. I look up into his eyes and whimper, the door doesn’t lock.
Himself cannot be rattled.  Calmly, he tells me to get in, he’ll drive me in front a McDonald’s that we passed earlier and drop me off while he circles the block.  I concentrate every bit of willpower I can muster and direct it to my insides, praying that I can make it.  I run like Forrest Gump into the McDonald’s, my eyes focus like laser beams to the rear of the store and lock onto the target and I make it just in time.  

That’s all I have to say about that.

My intestines are twisting up, just writing about it and while I’m sure it’s not healthy to hold it for so long, I have to say my colon is pretty awesome. 

Batman kind of awesome.


  1. Wow...that sucks! That entry made me feel strong things I haven't felt since reading Cormac McCarthy's "The Road". Dismal, end-o-the-world things!

    Plain and simple, defecating should be joyous...or at least restful. I will hold you dear in my thoughts, Tumbleweed. May you poop (or pee) in peace.

  2. Pat, I really hope I don't have to carry the fire of humanity and civilization because I wouldn't do well with the bathroom situation at the end-o-the-world. Obviously.

    You are right, though. Doing one's business should be joyful. It's in the Constitution or something.

  3. sitting on the toilet should be a pleasant experience....and you just can't get that anywhere but home!

    i've gone more times in the woods than i care to count...or remember...but it beats those porta-potties!

    *here's to a happier bathroom time* *cheers*

  4. Laura, Yes. Yes it should. Pleasant and SOLITARY!

  5. I have a potty closet - you know what I am talking about & don't be jealous.

  6. Kimberly, You do? I do? I'm not. (I am).
    Thanks for riding along!!

  7. Doug, Yeah, Port-a-potties are. My Batman colon, however,is not.

  8. I agree. Putting a sign on it that says "Knock first, the door doesn’t lock!!" is the same thing as it being out of order. Who do these people think they're kidding here?

  9. good times for sure and will power to boot!

  10. Christian, I know! There might as well have been a sign saying they were videotaping in there.

    Glen, Is Will Power kind of like the Power of Grey Skull, because I think I have that too!

  11. You are frickin' hilarious - thanks for the chuckles :)

  12. Thanks Anonymous! And good luck on your new moivie!!

  13. Traveled over here from Studio 30 and am completely intrigued by you and your adventures. If you are ever in my neck of the woods I will happily allow you to use my bathroom for however long you'd like.

  14. Jamie, Thanks for riding along! You might regret that offer, because once I get in MVOPB (my very own private bathroom), I don't lke to leave. It could get awkward. =)

  15. Found your blog through the Budget, my old home town paper. As a former trucker I had to come and read, see if things had changed. They haven't.

    Before you can declare yourself a professional passenger, you need to learn, appreciate and fully participate in the "any old port in a storm" aspect of traveling our great nation! My favorite is the west Texas rest areas where the wall reach neither the ceiling or floor and the stalls stop at shoulder height. Your first impression can't help but being that of chickens on the roost.

    Good luck, keep 'er shiny side up.

  16. Hey Bassnote! I have indeed roosted in those shorty stalls in Texas! I have been in stalls so small that I could not sit and shut the door at the same time, I have had to use many a men's room in places that had no women's facilities, and of course behind the odd tree.

    Glad to see a fellow Wyomingite here! Thanks for riding along!


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