Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The Republican Party and Big Gum: an Exposé

Remember Fruit Stripe Gum?

Yep, they still make it. Enough of it apparently, to fill up a whole trailer and deliver it to a Kroger warehouse.

I'm *pretty* sure there are some sort of mesmerizing chemicals in Fruit Stripe.

It was the Holy Grail of gum when I was a kid, but no matter how many times I got my dirty little hands on it, the gum always disappointed. Those 5 juicy flavors never lasted more than 1.3 microseconds and inevitably I ate the whole pack in 6.5 microseconds, leaving me unfulfilled and depressed.

I would vow never to eat it again.

But then those stripes would call to me. I would try it once more and the whole sordid process would being anew.

Maybe it's the stripes that are mesmerizing.

His name is Yipes.
His hooves are weird,
but he can dunk like a champ.

In my last post, I mentioned 40 packs of gum among the booty that we have gotten for free. It was Wrigley's Doublemint Gum, another throw-back from the olden days. Its flavor only lasts for microseconds, too.

Unless you're a twin; then it's super tasty and a great way to meet other twins. Or Pod People.


Have you taken a look at the gum aisle in your local convenience store lately?

Forget Big Oil, Big Gum is what's hot.

Walking around a truck stop the other day, as I was waiting for Himself to get out of the shower, I wandered over to the candy aisle. After straightening up all the out-of-alignment snack foods, because I'm a crazy control freak helpful like that, I counted the stunning array of gum choices.

Take a moment and ask yourself: How many different flavors of gum did she count?

While you are thinking I will give you a sampling of the flavors out there in the gum world:

Fabulous Fruitini
Mango Surf
Strawberry Mint
Mint Mojito
Mint Chocolate Chip
Sangria Fresca
Cool Mangoberry
Cool Mint & Melon Fresco
Passionberry Twist
Polar Ice
Ice Peppermint
Winter Ice
Vanilla Ice Ice Baby (Stop! Collaborate and listen...[sorry, couldn't help myself])

Ok. Do you have your number?

Now multiply it by 10, take away 3, carry the 5, divide the inverse by Uranus and yep, you guessed it:


That's 99 different flavors for gum, with wacky flavor choices that defy reason or common sense. 

Just like the candidates for the Republican nomination.


  1. My favorite is Winter Ice but boy can I not stand Polar Ice. Yuck! Where the ice comes from makes all the difference.

    1. That's probably why they quit making Yellow Ice.

  2. This post made me look up Fruit Stripe commercials. They sure SEEM like they'd be delicious, but you're right, after about a second it's like you're just chewing on the clay figures from this ad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSTGOyDFPrU

    1. That commercial had me salivating for Fruit Stripes--right up until Yipes put a stick of gum into that gun-toting alien's belly. That's just creepy. And it totally bypasses the taste buds, so what's the point?

  3. In Canada, we don't have quite the same selection, however there are still at least 54 different flavors of gum to be had in our candy aisles. Because you know, peppermint and cinnamon aren't enough. My dad used to always have a pack of "Big Red" when I was a kid.

  4. I've always liked Big Red and the pleasant tingle it gives. Have you ever licked the foil and stuck it to your forehead? It burns!

  5. Sounds like my options are, trying to like Fruit Stripe or look at the democratic party for a president or something, no political preference intended. I only tasted fruit stripe gum once but I never went back, yuk!

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  7. Fruit Stripe is to gum as candy corn is to candy - I know they're both Absolute Nasty, but my taste buds keep thinking THIS time will be different... Taste buds are such idiots.

  8. Exactly!

    Now that I think of it, candy corn has stripes too. Stripes are full-on mesmerizing.

  9. Exact same experience with gum here also, but one positive of the short flavor is it is not like gum these days that the flavor lasts forever and leaves a metalic taste after because of the chemicals in there that give brain leasions in mice. Not to be too negative!!!

    1. I know! And if the Science People know that, then why do they keep giving the mice gum!?

  10. yeah. the repub candidates...i like this analogy better than the etch a sketch...chew em up & spit em out.

    ugh. i can do with out gum...AND these *clowns* running for pres.

    oops sorry. i hate to get political...BUT...

    1. The problem with politics are the politicians. :0)

      My theory is vote against the party that's in power, just to keep them on their toes.

    2. ummm...yikes. i'd much rather have the one in office than the alternative(s)...

  11. Yikes! I feel for that little striped zebra(?) Somewhere along the way she got her feet - all 4 of 'em - stuck in empty tuna fish cans. Wouldn't you think someone would have noticed by now & corrected the situation?

    The selection of gum flavors is right in step with other food products these days: WAY too many choices. "They" keep throwin' more at us hoping we'll bite, and I guess a lot of people do. I just get more confused - like searching up & down the shelves for just good old PLAIN potato chips - then leaving in disgust with NO chips at all. But with all these choices are we really any happier?

    RE: the candidates running so far - I best not comment, lest I rant & rave on for way too long. Suffice it to say that I'm just covering my ears & not listening any more, while humming a tune ("I am WOMAN, hear me roar...") to the snapping of my mouth-ful of Juicy Fruit. I'll uncover them only after I've cast my ballot in Nov. - and I AM paying attention to those who have actually done something (talking doesn't count) and have a positive track record.... maybe THEN we can do something about that poor zebra's feet!

    1. It DOES look like tuna cans! I hope they cut it with one of those fancy can-openers that don't leave rough edges.

      At least we can walk away from the choices in the snack aisle. If only we could walk away from politics and the dummies who run for office!


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