Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Beaker's Grandmother and the Apocalypse

If only we could fly away from here.

Have I mentioned lately how much I dislike New Jersey?

We had to spend the WHOLE DAY in Elizabeth, NJ after having spent the night in a customer's parking lot, without having had a shower.

I don't even like admitting that I didn't have a shower, much less not actually having the shower!

Through a series of snafus and misunderstandings on the part of the shipper and receiver, we got to the place to deliver at the agreed upon time Sunday, only to find out that they are not open on the weekends.

Yay for us.

There are roughly .0037 truck stops for every one friendly person in the entire state and none within a 30 mile radius of where we were.

We could have driven the 60 miles round trip and gotten up at the crack of dawn to make it back to the place to unload, but we'd lose our spot in line and the possibility of getting a load out of there quickly.

Plus, thirty miles in New Jersey could mean 30 minutes or 30 days and putting oneself amidst the angry hordes is just unwise.

It would be one big hassle. And not of the Hoff variety, whom I dislike just as much as New Jersey.

You really haven't lived until you've had to bathe in a public bathroom sink.

The next day we had to pick up a load at the port and we had to wait there for 10 hours. It was New Jersey overload to the 5th power.

Where all the *classy* dirty hobos hang out.

However, being the half-glass-full variety of Tumbleweeds, we made the most of our free time by going to nearby IKEA, Olive Garden, and the Jersey Garden Outlet Mall.

Side note: I don't actually like shopping all that much, as evidenced by the fact that I am still wearing holey shoes despite passing by no fewer than 15 shoe stores. But all the people watching more than made up for my lack of shopping skills.
Side side note: In spite of what I've written so far, I'm really not that much of a dirty hobo.

But I refuse to spend this whole post on vitriol aimed at a state that just can't help itself.

Favorable Garden State Facts:

✓  Elizabeth, New Jersey, home to IKEA and the Jersey Gardens Outlet Mall, has a 3.5% sales tax rate, half the rate of the rest of the state.

  I like the movie Garden State.

✓  Beaker's grandmother lives in New Jersey. This may not be a *real* fact but I saw an elderly woman eating a bread stick at Olive Garden and if she wasn't Beaker's grandmother then she was surely the prototype for Beaker himself.

✓  New Jersey puts those electronic message boards over the highway to good use: the Silver Alert System. It's like the Amber Alert, except instead of sending out warnings to help locate missing children, it warns of missing elderly who may have wandered off due to Alzheimer's or dementia. I hope it never has to be used for Beaker's grandma.

✓  The three people we had to deal with at the port were friendly and helpful. 

I got nothing else.


I took these pictures at the port even though there are signs everywhere saying I was being watched and that people were encouraged to report suspicious activity which had the effect of making me feel like a terrorist.

The truck traffic in and out of the port is constant and the amount of containers staggering; they're everywhere. Imagine all that cheap furniture, electronics, and alcohol in them.

If there is going to be a apocalypse of some sort, I think we should all meet up at the port; we could survive for years on this stuff and maybe meet up with Beaker's grandma.


  1. It took me a bit to realize why the 13A in Elizabeth Center was in a different font, but why such a scary font? Is that where Jason Voorhees is from? Are Jason Voorhees and Beaker related?

  2. Hmm. I didn't even see that, I was so mesmerized by the low, low tax rate. But there is NO WAY that such a pure soul (s) as Beaker (and his grandmother) could be related to such evil trash.

    Although, I suppose Beaker (and his grandmother) may be transplants from a nicer state, say Idaho, and Jason is the spawn of Elizabeth. It makes sense.

    That is some scary font.

  3. A wise man once said "If you don't have anything good to say, (or something like that), don't say anything". You almost did. Really, a funny post!

    1. Almost. If I lived by that rule, it would be very silent on my side of the truck. ;)

  4. You always forget to mention the Jersey Devil?!

    1. The whole state of New Jersey is a Devil!!

  5. sounds like a plan...we better meet (at the port) a day ahead of time...DEC 20th, 2011...so we can all claim our containers...and maybe start trading supplies...and planning.

    OH...we better make it the 19th because the OTHER side of the world is a day ahead of us...so which 'time zone' does the mayan calendar go by?? if we meet on the 20th...we might be too late! *POOF* we're all gone!

    1. I'm always comforted by the fact that is tomorrow somewhere already, so the world can never really end tomorrow, can it??

  6. "Elizabeth - where the tax rate is so low, it's SCARY!"

    Side note (though it seems early in the comment to already be digressing): I would like a job making up town mottos. Do they have that job?

    I laughed so hard at the mental image of beaker's grandma eating a breadstick that my daughter got up out of bed to see if I was okay. I can say without question that laughing that hard was worth waking up everyone in the house (for me - probably not for them).

    I hope my container at the port is full of deodorant and bottled water - I've heard the apocalypse is going to be quite fiery and unpleasantly warm. No wait, that's Armageddon. I'm not sure if there's a difference.

    1. That should totally be a high paying job!

      Beaker's grandma was so cute. She even moved her mouth the same way as he does. I wanted to take her home, but she was surpisingly strong.


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