Friday, May 6, 2011

Tumbleweed Math and T-Rex Ninja Skills

Or, how 60 pounds of dog changes everything.

First the truck becomes even smaller. A mathematical ballet of sorts must be performed every time someone changes position, since there's only about 4 square feet of floor space. 

A. Driver seat.
B. Passenger seat.   
C. Four feet of floor space 
D. Bunk 

1. Himself 
2. Me
3. Jasmine

It basically goes like this:

While driving, 1 and 2=A+B and 3=D unless 3 is eating, then 3=C. If 2 needs to make a sandwich then 3 must equal B or 2 will have a hissy fit about her bubble being intruded upon.

Sometimes 3+1=A (as shown in figure 1a)

Figure 1a

Standard Operating Procedure wherein 1+2=AB-3xD (as shown in figure III)

figure III

Next, the fat lazy Tumbleweeds have to walk. A lot. 

Without a dog the day went something like this:

Wake up. Eat. Drive. Eat. Drive. Eat. Sleep.

With a dog:

Wake up. Walk the dog. Feed the dog. Drive. Stop and walk the dog. Drive. Stop and walk the dog. Eat. Walk the dog. Feed the dog. Walk the dog. Sleep.

And lastly I have to regain my ninja skills. I do the final walk the dog in the evenings alone to give Himself a chance to relax without me nagging him finish his log book and catch up on paperwork. I like the evening walks, just me and Jasmine. She's a really good listener and always agrees with me. She thinks I'm quite smart.

At most truck stops we can usually find a field, some woods or other non-peopled place. I try to give her a good walk, not just a quick pee in the nearest grass but I also try to stay in well lit places. The closer we are to cities we are, the more wary I am. Hobos in the bushes that want me to pet their red-nosed pig, I do my best to avoid.

I carry a knife. I try to look confident and like I would be too much trouble to mess with, (I am). I put myself in the frame of mind that if I were to be attacked, it will be a battle to the death, where I fight dirty and win and not wait around being a nice polite girl and get kidnapped by a sociopath who chains me in his basement, starving me so he can make a suit out of my skin. Not gonna happen.

I believe this mind-set will serve me well. 

One time I even squared up to face a two men who looked like they were trying to flank me. They were approaching in my direction as I was walking along a fence when they suddenly split up and came toward me from different directions. I put my back to the fence, stood firmly facing forward, my hand on the knife in my pocket and assumed a "I will kill you" look. They walked right past me. Oh, yeah. I'm tough.

In truth, I don't even think they saw me but I have a really active imagination and I had already plotted out the fight, their death and me being interviewed by 60 Minutes, Chuck Norris giving me an award and Angelina Jolie playing me in the movie about my brave fight.

Ima go all crazy T-Rex on you!


  1. How do you even stand it she is so cute?

    P.S. I am now afraid of you.

  2. To much time on your hands.. Thats in a song... You and TA should hang out... Want her number you can call her and ad that to your daily regiment... Would take some time from the 700 calls a week I get.. PLEASE!!!!! Happy mothers day... Are you a dog mother? You know what that would make you?

    Shalom and Amen

    Heywoodja Blowme

  3. @ Brütalism, I know, right? She is a spaz so that kind of keeps her from being creepy Olson twin too cute.
    And yes, you probably should be.

    @HB, I do have a lot of time on my hands but as you can see I am using it wisely.
    I have been called worse.

  4. vivid imagination, T-Rex Tumbleweed. Funny algebraic story. Does not compute in my simple mind.

  5. The article's content rich varieties which make us move for our mood after reading this article. Surprise, here you will find what you want! Recently, I found some websites’ which commodity is research-laboratory colorful of fashion. Such worth you to see. Believe me these websites won’t let you down.

  6. Great job here. I really enjoyed what you had to say. Keep going because you definitely bring a new voice to this subject. Not many people would say what you’ve said and still make it interesting. Well, at least I’m interested. Can’t wait to see more post from you.

  7. @Doug, yeah me too. I got a headache just doing FAKE math!

    @Danmark, Wow, I am so glad I could make you move for your mood, yay ME! It is no surprise to me that YOU found a colorful of fashion research laboratory, you smart devil. As you probably know, I TOO have a laboratory in the truck, that is QUITE colorful of fashion that I use to research the eradication of spammers using flannel, chain mail and sequins. It will make benefit worth for you to see!

    @Eesti, WHat can i say? You HUMBLE me with your thorough reading of my little blog. Your PENETRATING insight has pierced my SOUL and I feel so CLOSE to you now. Can I have your PHONE NUMBER? I really need someone who understands me the way you do, in my life. Also I need some money.
    Your BFF, Tumbleweed

  8. I love the red nosed pig story. I tell it to my kids as a bedtime story!!! I think PEE WEE Herman would be a more appropriate actor to play your roll!

  9. and why the math, you know I hate math!

  10. Well that ought to help them get to sleep! You know how good at math I am. It's my life!


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