Tuesday, July 10, 2012

More Hooker Stories!

In my last post I talked about lot lizards (trucker lingo for hookers), which got me thinking of the times we have been approached by them. But first let me tell that I much prefer the term hooker because:

A: Lot Lizard sounds more derogatory to me. The women who offer themselves for money aren't bored housewives doing it for fun or have Pretty Woman happy endings where Richard Gere climbs up the fire escape after George Costanza weirdly rubs their arm. Their lives are hard enough.

and

B: I like to say hooker in a Scottish accent, heavy emphasis on the O's. Hoooooker. (think, Whooo-ker) Try it, it's fun.





For us Tumbleweeds, the hooker experience can put put into 4 categories:

The Midnight Knocker:
The most common type are the ones who knock on every door until they get a customer. These gals work late at night and they don't waste time with more than a few quick knocks. The curtains are closed, we are asleep, the knocks come once. We wake up, ignore it, they move on, we go back to sleep. This has happened to us maybe 5 times.

The Cryer:
By far, the worst kind. This one will break your heart and make you feel like a heartless Grinch times infinity if you don't give her every dollar you have and then sign over a blank check and offer to baby-sit her children who she says are waiting for her in the car at that very moment. This only happened once and we gave her all our money. Ten minutes later we got the next type:



The Negotiator:
She is quick thinking and able to go from coquettish to all business as the situation demands. Also, she is very specific.

Hooker: "Hey Baby! Why you look so sad? You wanna date?"

(She said this to Himself as he was sitting in the driver's seat. She couldn't see me because and I was in the back making sandwiches. I hate making sandwiches.)

Me: (from the back) "No thanks, we already gave!"

Hooker: "Oh. You got $1.73?"

Himself: "We just gave all our cash to someone else."

Hooker: "Was it a white girl? Good, she's with me."

***






The Finishing School Hooker:
One time, we were visited by the nicest, well-mannered, and chipper of hookers. First there was the friendly knock to the tune of the Shave and a Haircut song; knock-knock-na-knock-knock.

Followed by this conversation:

Hooker: "Good evening. Would you like to have sex?"

Himself: "No, thanks."

Hooker: "Ok, thank you. Have a nice day."

She was very clean looking too. If only the rest of the world were as polite, it would be a better place. Also, if women didn't have to sell their bodies, that would be good too.

***























14 comments:

  1. I think I would want to be a Finishing School Hooker since they are polite. Or maybe the Midnight Knocker since I'm such a night owl. No, no, Finishing School Hooker would be better. Everyone appreciates politeness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, they *should* anyway. I would be the kind of hooker that demanded $1.73--for nothing in return. No touching, no eye contact, no talking, just give me money and go away. I would be the worst hooker ever.

      Delete
  2. 'Lot Lizards' sounds like they should be crawling around on hands and knees...tongue flashing in and out...i guess the WHOOOkers that choose to make their specialty...truckers...(trucker-johns?) would be better off with a name like
    asphalt hookers
    truckin' hookers
    hookers on the run
    diesel hookers

    oh no, now i'll be thinking of hooker-at-the-truckstop names all afternoon...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha!
      Ladies of the lot
      Parking lot Prostitutes
      Highway Hookers

      You can always come here to fill your mind with useless information!

      Delete
  3. Sounds like maybe it was Finishing School Hooker's first day on the job.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That would probably be the best time to get one.

      Delete
  4. I live a sheltered life; not one single hooooker has ever asked me for money. That Negotiator cracked me up - I mean, why NOT ask for $1.73? Not a great business move, but when you need a Moon Pie and a 48oz fountain Coke, what else are you gonna do?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly. Truthfully, I would rather give money to someone who just asks outright then have to listen to some long, sad story.

      Now I want a Moonpie.

      Delete
  5. My vote goes to Highway Hookers. I agree Lot Lizards does make me visualize the crawling and the tongue flicking in and out. On a side note, I just have to say you have the wittiest followers. I look forward to reading the comments almost as much as the blog. Another side note, do highway hookers have johns? Just thinking out loud. I wouldn't expect you to know the answer. I just don't think it's the kind of question you can google.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't I though?! It makes blogging so fun, I love comments and I have the best commenters!

      I've seen hookers get into guy's trucks, the curtains close, and...ughh, gives me the pure creeps thinking about it. And sad too, that someone would be desperate enough to do it. The guy could kill them and who would know? Of course, she could kill him too, and what a embarrassing way to have your death explained.

      Delete
  6. You just brought up Hookers because you knew I would respond. Well here you go. Hookers are GOOD! Worlds oldest profession you forgot to add in your facts!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I knew it would bring out the weirdos, I mean the pro hooker people!

      Delete
  7. THIS is how you knew how to spell whoring! It all makes sense now.

    ReplyDelete

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